Do you remember that last time someone treated you in a way that hurt or offended you? I’m going to pass along a mental model that – if you’re able to construct it in yourself at times of injury – will strengthen your character in ways that people will come to admire. Additionally, this deepening of your character will make you a more effective leader.
My term for the model is “look in the mirror”.
In his great book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey quotes Victor Frankl:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”
At the moment we are injured – someone treats us harshly, or undermines us, or says something offensive to someone we love – we are presented with stimulus. Our natural reaction is to become angry and to possibly strike back. I have found it helpful, during that space between stimulus and response – to mentally stop, look in the mirror, and ask myself if I have behaved that way recently. If the answer is “yes”, I resolve then and there to not perpetuate the poor behavior. If the answer is “no, I don’t do that”, then I resolve to make sure I don’t slip into a bad habit.
Does that assuage my anger? No.
Does this mean I’m some sort of enlightened guru radiating inner peace who doesn’t get angry? No.
Does this mean that “look in the mirror” is the ONLY thing you should do when someone mistreats you? No.
The key point here is that I have little control over the behavior of others, but maximum control over my own behavior. Looking in the mirror puts the focus on what I can control.
Let me challenge you with a practical (and hard) example:
Covey also wrote about how people with deep principals were “loyal to those who are not present”. He told a story about how he once was in a senior person’s office, complaining about a peer, when the person he was speaking to said “let’s get him in here” (I’m paraphrasing). Covey wrote about how awkward he then felt as the peer he had been talking about came into the room. Who among us hasn’t ever spoken poorly about a coworker who wasn’t present in the conversation?
This is a hard standard to meet. And it’s a great example of how “look in the mirror” can help. You will, in the next few days, undoubtedly hear someone griping about someone you respect who is not there. What should you do?
1. Look in the mirror and resolve to NOT engage in that unworthy habit yourself.
2. Address the true substance of the gripe and suggest the three of you get together to further resolve whatever is holding your team back from excellence.
Certainly, do number 1. But know that, if you make a habit of number 2, you will communicate a deep reservoir of strength and character to those you work with. You will silently communicate the following to them: “I might not be joining you in this gripe session the way you were hoping, but now you know that the next time – when YOU are the one who is not present – I will respect you the same way”.
Am I always loyal to those not present? I wish I could say I was. I try to always be the best version of myself, but as a human I stumble. We all do.
But in that moment, in that gap between stimulus and response, I urge you to take a moment to pull the focus away from the person who irritated you and instead put the focus on you and your resolve to not behave that way toward others. Golden rule, and all that.
It’s not easy, but the more you do it, the more ingrained the habit becomes.
Good luck!
I am a business leader in the tech industry and write about leadership, innovation, and personal effectiveness. 