How to Overcome Tension and Establish Connection

If you’re reading this, then you successfully made it through Thanksgiving without being killed by a family member during an emotional discussion about the recent presidential election. Congratulations! For those of you who attended a big Thanksgiving banquet where everyone voted the same way, then you either enjoyed a triumphant dinner with a generous helping of vindication to go along with your pie, or you participated in an emotionally draining group rage where fury and angst edged out “thankfulness”.

This election, more than any I can remember, has created deep emotional divisions. But as George Costanza brilliantly pointed out in a Seinfeld episode, “we’re living in a SOCIETY!” And as members of a society, we need to work together.

But that’s easier said than done when you’re annoyed (ok – really annoyed) about people who proudly wear the political colors of the opposing team. In fact, a related issue comes up in business quite a lot, where partners can bad-mouth the other party so much that the partnership exists only as a business contract, but not as an actual partnership.

And so you find yourself at a dinner table or in a conference room with people who you’re annoyed with before they speak. What are you to do?

The key is to establish the “human moment” apart from the subject that creates the divisions (work/politics/religion/whatever).

Let me share a current event example, and then provide an approach I learned a while ago that has come in handy for me a number of times.

First of all, what formal group of people have demonstrated themselves to be in such a state of permanent conflict that they can’t seem to get anything done? If you guessed “Congress”, then you’re on the right track. One of the troubling facts of American political life is the increasing numbers of Democrats and Republicans who view the other party as a “threat to the nation’s well-being”.

So it was with great interest that I read in a recent version of Fortune’s daily Power Sheet, written by Geoff Colvin, this story:

Congress likely to pass a $6.3 billion health care bill
In a rare show of bipartisanship, Congress is poised to approve the 21st Century Cures Act. It’s a nod to Vice President Joe Biden, whose son passed away following a battle with cancer. The bill provides research funding for cancer and other diseases. It will also affect the regulatory process, which could decrease the time it takes for the government to approve new drugs or medical devices.

The two elements of the story that jump out are that fact that the show of bipartisanship was indeed “rare”, and the personal connection to the Biden family’s personal tragedy. The bipartisanship didn’t occur because the Hatfields and McCoys decided to advance smart legislation. It occurred because Joseph Biden and his family have been Washington fixtures for years and have formed a number of deep relationships with people in both parties. It enabled the legislators to be humans first rather than participants in an unending win-lose drama.

Let’s turn our attention to our own careers and how we might establish connections that help improve needed communication. This is an approach I learned to help draw out people’s humanity before getting into more challenging discussions: I was in a meeting many years ago where people from two or three different companies were attending. Most of us didn’t know each other. The facilitator of the meeting asked this question to start the meeting off:

“Please introduce yourself, describe what your role is, briefly describe what you hope to accomplish in this meeting, and then share with the group a present you received as a child that you remember today”.

At first it seemed out of place. Awkward. Perhaps borderline unprofessional. However, the results were really astounding. People who came in loaded for a fight started to talk about a treasured memory from their past. Many of the stories led to smiles and knowing nods around the room.

I can see a couple concerns people might have with this approach. One, it’s too personal, and two, it could eat up half of the allotted time for the meeting.

What I’ve found is that there certainly is a time and a place for something like this, and people can tell any story without making it too personal if they’re uncomfortable. I was recently at a business dinner with a group of people from my company and a business partner, and I suggested this as we did our introductions.  It was great time and place to do it. There was no rush, a bottle of wine was open, and people really loved hearing these stories.

I’ve also been in meetings – and you have too – where the intro section eats up half the allotted time anyhow. If you have time for this, then that’s fine. If not, then don’t bother.

Here’s another great topic of discussion which causes a lot of laughs and gets people to open up: “describe the crappiest job you ever had as a kid”. I have found this to be a great way to hear some personal stories, some of which made me realize how much easier I had it as a lifeguard than, say, a friend of mine who grew up on a chicken farm did. Your respect for people deepens when you hear their stories, which is the point.

Getting past underlying conflict is not easy. But it’s easier when you see the person across the table as a person first.

Good luck!

P.S. My gift story? It was when I received the bike of my dreams – an orange, drop-handlebar (like the big kids) five-speed bike. During our family dinner to celebrate my birthday my Dad casually said he had accidentally left the rake leaning against the side of the house, and would I go grab it and put it in the garage? I remember hopping up from the table thinking I was going to do a simple task that would take me all of 30 seconds, walking around the corner of the house to the side where he said he left the rake, and seeing the bike of my dreams leaning against the house.

P.P.S My bike story makes me think of this poignant poem from Billy Collins.